Skip to main content

Momxiety


I jumped out my skin thinking my little one was falling out of the bed. Problem was, my little one wasn’t in the bed with me. My mom, who was visiting us for a couple of days, had her in the living room. I worked all night last night, and on one hour of sleep, was getting ready to do it again. “How are you going to work on one hour of sleep?” My mom asked. “I didn’t have a chance to sleep.” I told her. If Harper wasn’t waking me up about how to fix Netflix, Logan was crawling all over my face and fussing about these two front teeth. I would eventually just tap into the energy of the unknown and press on with my day. By 9 PM I am drinking some sort of liquid poison in the form of an energy drink. “You drink those everyday?” Someone asked me. “No...” I replied. Which was true. “Good. I saw some guy cleaning the oil off his motor with one of those. Imagine what it does to your insides.” He said. Imagine. They burn off the stress of the day. They burn off the sleepiness and tap into some Beyoncé inspired karaoke champion- that sings while she drives and can run a marathon. They make me think I’m okay. For the moment. “I DONT HAVE A TOWEL!” I heard Dixon yelling from the shower. I got up to rush to the dryer. My mom isn’t going to know I just put a load in there. That’s where her towel is. I rushed out into the hall, “See this is why I can’t sleep! I always have something to do! There are towels in the dryer...” “I got her towel, girl.” My mom dismissed me. “Go back to sleep.” I went back to lay down and realized...even though I had been laying down for two hours, nothing about me was relaxed. I felt like I was forgetting to do something. It felt- wrong. Flashback circa 2005. Harper had just turned one and I was sitting at my desk at work fighting my eye twitching. “I swear the computer screen is moving.” I said. “Put your head down.” My neighbor replied. A couple weeks following that I had a couple episodes of hallucinations. I woke up, well thought I woke up, and saw a trillion spiders scattering inches away from my head. Before I could digest that I jumped up and shot across the room. By the time I reached the other side of the room I was fully awake. And of course there was actually nothing there. I felt insane. Now flash forward- third baby... two kids under 5... at home with them all day and work at night... issa recipe for anxiety. When people tell me I need to rest I get annoyed. Because it’s like obviously. But I also have to be a mom and makes ends meet. So there are times where I ramble off about something that doesn’t make sense because I’m half conscious. It’s intense. And sometimes you don’t realize it’s that bad until it’s that bad. I mean you don’t have time to slow down. “Two years,” I told my best friend, “in two years it’ll be a good space because they’ll be older.” And I believe that. Every day is a journey. It’s just a matter of figuring out which stops to make and which turns to take. As long as I’m still driving with God it’ll be cool. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Non Custodial Parent...

Being a parent can be overwhelming for anybody. Single parents, married parents, working parents, stay at home parents... it’s a big job. Being the parent that has primary custody is huge! Now I’m not going to lie, when I had my daughter it was a lot easier than I expected to be a mom. I’ve always had a good support from my family- even when the non custodial parent wasn’t supportive. Now that I have my third child, I’ve been able to see pattern across the board about how “the other parent” responds ( and doesn’t respond ) to coparenting. So I’ve devised a list of dos and donts for the non custodial parents to have a better shot at successful coparenting relationships. #1 Do not make her feel guilty for being overwhelmed. If your child’s mother (or father) mentions that she is stressed, isn’t getting sleep, and just expresses that he or she feels overwhelmed- try to be empathetic. You don’t say things like “you’ll be alright” or “you make it seem like the child is a burden”. I’m s
Post a Comment
Read more

MOB: Mommies on a budget

Mommies! We have to budget. So I have decided that Mondays are for BUDGETING! Like seriously? Let's get excited about this. I know you already know this. I've known this for years and I'm ashamed to say it hasn't always been my forte. I mean, we have to spend so much doggone time doing everything else, who the heck has time to budget- and budget meticulously at that??? Well you have to make time, mama- because if you don't, you'll pay for it later. The best thing about a budget spreadsheet is you can make adjustments. You can see a visual of where and when those adjustments will effect you. I know it's hard to stick to a budget when raising kids- there are so many unpredictable expenses. However, if you write it all out, you can project where you may need to do something extra to make up for extra money spent. I remember 12 years ago, looking at my father's laptop and he had the most DETAILED spreadsheet I had ever seen in my life. Like ya'
Post a Comment
Read more

TRANSITIONING: This is a lot longer than I thought it would be

Whew chile. It's been a while and honestly I wouldn't even blog half the stuff that's happened over this past year. Just know the title of this blog is TRANSITIONS. Since I last blogged I've lived three different places - including where we are now. Thankfully, all of those places were real homes. All I can say is GOD IS GOOD. It all started with me getting a phone call about free daycare. FREE. For my youngest two children. This wasn't CAPS, this was a grant from the daycare that Dixon USED to go to. My godmom had already told me about the grant months ago, but it wasn't available at the time. But here they were, bringing free childcare to me. You can't tell me that wasn't God. With that I was able to go back to work comfortably. Without having to figure out where my kids would go. And just like that we started getting back into our normal routine. Once I was back at work and my kids were on the grant for daycare, I went through a time of self re
Post a Comment
Read more