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Momxiety


I jumped out my skin thinking my little one was falling out of the bed. Problem was, my little one wasn’t in the bed with me. My mom, who was visiting us for a couple of days, had her in the living room. I worked all night last night, and on one hour of sleep, was getting ready to do it again. “How are you going to work on one hour of sleep?” My mom asked. “I didn’t have a chance to sleep.” I told her. If Harper wasn’t waking me up about how to fix Netflix, Logan was crawling all over my face and fussing about these two front teeth. I would eventually just tap into the energy of the unknown and press on with my day. By 9 PM I am drinking some sort of liquid poison in the form of an energy drink. “You drink those everyday?” Someone asked me. “No...” I replied. Which was true. “Good. I saw some guy cleaning the oil off his motor with one of those. Imagine what it does to your insides.” He said. Imagine. They burn off the stress of the day. They burn off the sleepiness and tap into some Beyoncé inspired karaoke champion- that sings while she drives and can run a marathon. They make me think I’m okay. For the moment. “I DONT HAVE A TOWEL!” I heard Dixon yelling from the shower. I got up to rush to the dryer. My mom isn’t going to know I just put a load in there. That’s where her towel is. I rushed out into the hall, “See this is why I can’t sleep! I always have something to do! There are towels in the dryer...” “I got her towel, girl.” My mom dismissed me. “Go back to sleep.” I went back to lay down and realized...even though I had been laying down for two hours, nothing about me was relaxed. I felt like I was forgetting to do something. It felt- wrong. Flashback circa 2005. Harper had just turned one and I was sitting at my desk at work fighting my eye twitching. “I swear the computer screen is moving.” I said. “Put your head down.” My neighbor replied. A couple weeks following that I had a couple episodes of hallucinations. I woke up, well thought I woke up, and saw a trillion spiders scattering inches away from my head. Before I could digest that I jumped up and shot across the room. By the time I reached the other side of the room I was fully awake. And of course there was actually nothing there. I felt insane. Now flash forward- third baby... two kids under 5... at home with them all day and work at night... issa recipe for anxiety. When people tell me I need to rest I get annoyed. Because it’s like obviously. But I also have to be a mom and makes ends meet. So there are times where I ramble off about something that doesn’t make sense because I’m half conscious. It’s intense. And sometimes you don’t realize it’s that bad until it’s that bad. I mean you don’t have time to slow down. “Two years,” I told my best friend, “in two years it’ll be a good space because they’ll be older.” And I believe that. Every day is a journey. It’s just a matter of figuring out which stops to make and which turns to take. As long as I’m still driving with God it’ll be cool. 

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