Whew chile.
It's been a while and honestly I wouldn't even blog half the stuff that's happened over this past year. Just know the title of this blog is TRANSITIONS. Since I last blogged I've lived three different places - including where we are now. Thankfully, all of those places were real homes. All I can say is GOD IS GOOD.
It all started with me getting a phone call about free daycare. FREE. For my youngest two children. This wasn't CAPS, this was a grant from the daycare that Dixon USED to go to. My godmom had already told me about the grant months ago, but it wasn't available at the time. But here they were, bringing free childcare to me. You can't tell me that wasn't God. With that I was able to go back to work comfortably. Without having to figure out where my kids would go. And just like that we started getting back into our normal routine. Once I was back at work and my kids were on the grant for daycare, I went through a time of self reflection. My worst fear had already happened right? My life was literally upside down- but now that things were starting to look up- I took a moment to look down at what I had overcome.
I made boundaries. No alcohol. No sex. No men. No distractions. For the remainder of 2018. I took up a hobby- pool. Ya'll I was literally going to pool halls by myself. Sober. Playing old men that brought their own transformer sticks. Of course I lost. A lot. But I'm to a place now where I'm at least IN the game. For safety, I would send late night texts to my close friend, "I'm home." He would then joke, "I'm sure there is an old man in your bushes."
In this time I learned a lot about myself. What I could live with and what I couldn't live with. In this time I also devoted my Sunday mornings back to church. I decided to switch churches from where I had been attending for the past 5 years and go back to my childhood church. It was just really important to me to have my children in a church that I felt catered to a family like ours. Maybe "catered" is not a good word. But I just wanted my kids to grow up more like I did. The best thing that happened to me as a child was growing up in the type of church that I grew up in. And my life changed. The dark cloud that I felt had been hovering over me was gone, I was no longer in emotional turmoil. I was just focused on knowing who I was and being who my children needed me to be.
In that, I turned 30. I AM 30. I have to literally remind myself of that day by day because it doesn't feel like the death sentence it seemed like years ago. I enjoy it. I feel like my adulthood is validated. I AM A GROWN WOMAN. With this coming of age I was able to clearly reflect on the years passed. The patterns I saw. What I liked and what I didn't like. And that helped me SO MUCH in seeing where I wanted to go. I honestly can say I know where I want to go and what I probably need to do to get there. Just a tip: When you look back over your life and you see that thing that seems to always just be there. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, subconsciously you still want to DO that thing, BE that thing, TRY that thing-- that is probably a part of your purpose. If you don't know YOUR purpose, how can you help your kids find theirs?
In this time, my kids changed A LOT too. Right now Dixon is 8. Going to 3rd grade. And has HAIR under her arms. HAIR ya'll. It was the 4th of July and she was putting her seatbelt on as we left our cousin's house in Ellenwood. I saw something and I had to look twice because sometimes my eyes play tricks on me. "Let me see your under arms," I said to her anxiously. She lifted her arm up and there they were. Strands of pre teen maturity. Each strand represented each nerve she had been getting on with me because HONAAAAY...when I tell you this child has been MOOOOODYYYYY. Her teacher told me in private "Baby girl may be about to start her period or something because she is getting so angry of little stuff...". And it was the same thing at home. She fell on accident one day and went off on us! "YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS PICKING ON ME!!!" Harper was in the shower, I was on my computer, and Logan was being a toddler. Like WHAT are you talking about?? It was quite funny. What a journey I have ahead with Ms. Dixon.
Logan is the most beautiful, intelligent and sassy thing. She is everything I would want her to be and more. Which is amazing because- with the struggles I had during pregnancy, I didn't expect her to be here. I distinctly remember, shortly after finding out about her kidney, that God told me she would do great things. Already her teachers are raving on how smart she is. They say if she was potty trained, she could be with the three year olds. And she isn't even two yet. She speaks in full sentences. Tonight, after dinner, she said "My pants are dirty." She's so adorable AND- she goes to sleep now without me laying next to her. Just writing this blog, she went to sleep on her own. Once I pull out her pillow and her blanket, she knows it's time for bed. I don't have to lay down with her anymore. I'm getting my time back.
And then there is Harper.
Harper, Harper. Harper.
Harper is -- honestly my next blog will be dedicated solely to Harper. He needs the ENTIRE post. haha
Without knowing what's going on with Harper right now... know that we are in a GREAT place. I got myself back to seeing God's vision for my life, and I got MY OWN APARTMENT AGAIN! Without going into detail, it's a scenario I definitely couldn't have come up with my own. But in so many ways, it's better than I could've imagined for myself. Most importantly, I feel so much stronger now than I EVER did before. I've traveled through situations I never imagined being in, and I still came out. Just like the scripture. "Ye though I walk through the shadow of death, I fear no evil. For thy are WITH me. Thy ROD and thy STAFF, they comfort me." (Psalm 23) Til next time, readers. XOXO
Comments
Post a Comment