Being a parent can be overwhelming for anybody. Single parents, married parents, working parents, stay at home parents... it’s a big job. Being the parent that has primary custody is huge! Now I’m not going to lie, when I had my daughter it was a lot easier than I expected to be a mom. I’ve always had a good support from my family- even when the non custodial parent wasn’t supportive. Now that I have my third child, I’ve been able to see pattern across the board about how “the other parent” responds ( and doesn’t respond ) to coparenting. So I’ve devised a list of dos and donts for the non custodial parents to have a better shot at successful coparenting relationships.
#1 Do not make her feel guilty for being overwhelmed.
If your child’s mother (or father) mentions that she is stressed, isn’t getting sleep, and just expresses that he or she feels overwhelmed- try to be empathetic. You don’t say things like “you’ll be alright” or “you make it seem like the child is a burden”. I’m sure you can tell by her actions that she loves her child, but this doesn’t make the child any easier to deal with... let alone having multiple children. Try to take a step back and put yourself in her shoes. Think about your life and your freedom you have as a non custodial parent and then think about what it would be like if you didn’t have that freedom.
#2 Don’t make false promises
Without a shadow of a doubt this is a HUGE one. When you’re a custodial parent, you have to be flexible. And you have to give your children all of your patience and some on credit. So having SOMETHING to rely on is most definitely important. And that something should be your word. If you tell the custodial parent that you are coming to get the child(ren) at 8 PM... actually come somewhere close to 8 PM. If you say you’re going to pay for the daycare registration fee... actually do that. This is pertinent to building a trustworthy relationship. It’s not that we as custodial parents don’t understand that circumstances may arise and things change. But when you have the attitude that ALWAYS let’s circumstances drive your outcome and then you deflect that on the other parent, you are asking for a fight. Whether the custodial parent is confrontational or not, once you’ve built a reputation that your word is not good, nothing you say will mean anything to them. It’s already an unbalanced situation when you have one parent that has the child(ren) most of the time. Custodial parents entire lives are molded around what they have to do for and with their children. Excuses don’t fly. So when it is the one time that it is your responsibility to do something you SAID you were going to do, do it.
#3 Don’t tell her every time she expresses discontent that “she’s talking to you like a child.”
I know that there can be validity to this observation from the non custodial parent’s perspective...so I will acknowledge that first for the cry babies. I know that women can be condescending and as the natural mothers that we are... we have a “tone”. WITH THAT BEING SAID, if you know that you were late because you didn’t leave the house on time or you didn’t come get your child simply because you didn’t feel like rearranging your schedule, do not then play the victim. Coparenting is an input/output situation. You CAN do whatever you want. But know that this has a consequence. If that child’s mother (or father) has had your child all week and this is the day you’re supposed to get them- nothing else should come before that. Within reason. And I mean once in a lifetime reasons. Like you’re going to a funeral or you’re in the hospital. So when you decide that cousin Pookie needed a ride to work and “he didn’t have anybody else to take him”... just know that baby mama BoZenna isn’t going for it. Because now you’re on her time. And nobody appreciates their time being taken for granted. I will write a blog on efficient communication at another time. When you’ve made her upset or feel the need to talk to you about your actions- own it. Don’t turn the situation into a problem about how she communicates with you. Because at that point you’re basically saying “you should let me do whatever I want and not say anything to me about it.” A bunch of butt hurt men just rolled their eyes. But it’s true. You should look at WHY she feels the way she does. Why does she even feel like she now has to talk to you? 9 times out of ten she was really banking on you coming at the time you said you were just to give her a break. She may be right on the verge of a breakdown. The frustration in her tone isn’t trying to degrade you. It’s literally emotional despair. I can’t speak for the women that want to pick a fight. But even in that scenario, if you know you got a hot tempered coparent... why provoke them with blatant disregard?
#4
Don’t disrespect her then try to be her friend.
This is just all bad. As humans in any type of relationship, there will be disagreements. The coparenting relationship is a unique one because you literally can not want to have a relationship with the person at all, but you have to. There are good days and there are bad days. But you cannot act on just “how you feel” that day when dealing with another person. You can not expect them to blow with you in the wind every time you decide to switch direction. When there has been an argument and things have been said that were hurtful, you have to rectify it before moving on. You can’t ignore it. Because that other person isn’t going to forget. And now your character is on the line. If you just cussed me out and told me my mama is stupid, and my daddy ugly, and sister brother, cousins, uncle, baby daddies are trash, I’m not trying to see a “wyd” text from you at 3 AM! Noooooo. You know what you said to me! And you cannot just say “oh that? I was just mad.” We have to control ourselves when we are angry because bridges can be burned and feelings can be hurt. And even if we do slip up, because we ARE human, and we ARE parents- right your wrong. Don’t just breeze past it. As with everything, this is within reason as well. There’s only so many times you can cuss somebody out, especially the mother or father of your child, before they lose all respect for you. You don’t want to get to the point where your apologies mean nothing. If you want to have a healthy relationship with your child’s mom or dad, work on it. Humble yourself and communicate this to them. If the two of you just cannot get along- identify that, and then act accordingly. Stay within boundaries. You have to figure out the best relationship dynamic to effectively coparent FOR your child.
There are so many scenarios to coparenting that are unhealthy, but these are the ones I’ve dealt with the most. And even 7 years in, 3 kids in, everyday is work. This was not to beat up either side, non custodial or custodial, mom or dad... it was to highlight key points. When we sign up to be parents we are thinking about the child not the fact that they literally come with another person for 18 years. It’s a two for one special. Lol But we have to be willing to work on the issues to grow and make it easier and healthier for the children. ❤️
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