I am so mad right now. Livid. My youngest will be two this month and I still have not been able to maintain a structured visitation plan with her other parent. For the most part, I know he does better than most. But still. Still I'm exhausted. Still I'm frustrated. Still I feel like I don't get enough help. I think a majority of the frustration comes from knowing that the decisions he's making are based off of what he wants to do and not off of what he NEEDS to do. And for that, I am pissed.
What does he do? He's decided to drive trucks. He has a WHOLE Bachelor's degree more than I have. "What do you want me to do, sit behind a desk?" He said. "This is me." "YOU go out the window when you have a kid." I replied. But nope. He wants to drive trucks. And not for a company. For his self. That means he makes his own schedule.
When I first heard that's what he was doing, I was cool with it. But the more it goes on- the less approving I am. Why? Because for the past two years, I've had to hear numerous excuses as to why he couldn't do this or that. And I always end up with the short end of the stick. The pride in me said, "I don't care. I'll take care of my baby." The love in me said, "Don't trip. Be supportive." But then it builds and it builds and it builds. And then you're like... "Why am I doing this like this again?" You know, playing along to get along...
Knowing that you could say something, but that the person would end up doing what they want to do anyway. So why even fight. Me speaking my mind usually just ends in me being more frustrated.
During my recent trip in LA, I received a text message asking what time I'd be back. And I was immediately annoyed. It's like, "dang...just can't keep her and be cool until I get back huh?" That may not have been his sentiments but that's surely how I took it. That's how it always feels. Like "okay, I had her for a little while, come get her back now..." You know?
What do I want? I want a normal full 48 hour weekend period- at least every other weekend. Not having to pick her up from daycare on Friday. And having her home at 6 PM Sunday. Is that a lot to ask? What I hate is that if I tell people how often he sees her, I'll get a "that's more than a lot of people." So what? We accept mediocrity now because it's the norm?
So then it becomes, what is the real issue? She most definitely knows and loves her dad. He Facetimes her everyday. He is generally involved and interested in her life. He pays his child support. So he feels like he is doing all he needs to do to do right BY her. He is not concerned with the fact that I need a break. His exact words were, "If there's anytime to be selfish, it's now. She's only 2. It's not like she's 5."
What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Is he right though? Me "needing a break" isn't his concern. I could always drive and hour and drop her off with his mom. If I need a break I should ask my mom or someone else to watch her right? Only I don't. I tried the driving an hour thing but frankly my car isn't in good enough shape, traffic is horrific, and gas is worse. My parents are not traditional grandparents- they still have kids in the house. And I don't know a lot of people to keep my kids. My Godmom has kept them a lot over the years and I don't want to keep asking her. But I need something I can depend on. Like a regular babysitter. Then there's costs. I can't afford that. So that brings me right back to- why isn't he doing it again???
There's 730 hours in a month. You can't dedicate 96 of them to your kid? You know, two untouchable days every two weeks where it's like, "nah...I can't do that because...this is my weekend with my kids." This is where I get myself in trouble because I have an idea of what it should be in MY head. And plus it's hard not to have an expectation when I've seen it done. I've dated men that were that devoted to the schedules of their children. So it's hard to accept that I can't receive that type of consistency.
I feel like if you're going to be inconsistent in every other area of your life. DO that. But those 48 hours every two weeks? Don't touch those.
So what do you do? I don't know. I really don't. I tried an ultimatum: "This is the time frame you can get her... if you don't- you miss your weekend." Then it's like I'm punishing myself because if he doesn't get her- now I don't get a break. So what DO you do? I don't know...
I remember someone telling me when I was pregnant with my youngest that they "hated that I was making my life harder." And I remember the father of my child telling me, "you're probably going to have to do it by yourself." I was so angry at those comments. But my pride set out to prove them wrong. I didn't want to admit it was hard. And I didn't want to complain about doing it alone. But truth is, some days it is REALLY REALLY hard. And I am ultimately alone. I mean, yes I have God. But I am doing it alone. And some days I'm proud of that. And some days it makes me sad. Today is one of those days. Because I'm tired, but I don't get to be tired. Because no MATTER how I feel- I still have to do my job as a mom.
What does he do? He's decided to drive trucks. He has a WHOLE Bachelor's degree more than I have. "What do you want me to do, sit behind a desk?" He said. "This is me." "YOU go out the window when you have a kid." I replied. But nope. He wants to drive trucks. And not for a company. For his self. That means he makes his own schedule.
When I first heard that's what he was doing, I was cool with it. But the more it goes on- the less approving I am. Why? Because for the past two years, I've had to hear numerous excuses as to why he couldn't do this or that. And I always end up with the short end of the stick. The pride in me said, "I don't care. I'll take care of my baby." The love in me said, "Don't trip. Be supportive." But then it builds and it builds and it builds. And then you're like... "Why am I doing this like this again?" You know, playing along to get along...
Knowing that you could say something, but that the person would end up doing what they want to do anyway. So why even fight. Me speaking my mind usually just ends in me being more frustrated.
During my recent trip in LA, I received a text message asking what time I'd be back. And I was immediately annoyed. It's like, "dang...just can't keep her and be cool until I get back huh?" That may not have been his sentiments but that's surely how I took it. That's how it always feels. Like "okay, I had her for a little while, come get her back now..." You know?
What do I want? I want a normal full 48 hour weekend period- at least every other weekend. Not having to pick her up from daycare on Friday. And having her home at 6 PM Sunday. Is that a lot to ask? What I hate is that if I tell people how often he sees her, I'll get a "that's more than a lot of people." So what? We accept mediocrity now because it's the norm?
So then it becomes, what is the real issue? She most definitely knows and loves her dad. He Facetimes her everyday. He is generally involved and interested in her life. He pays his child support. So he feels like he is doing all he needs to do to do right BY her. He is not concerned with the fact that I need a break. His exact words were, "If there's anytime to be selfish, it's now. She's only 2. It's not like she's 5."
What? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Is he right though? Me "needing a break" isn't his concern. I could always drive and hour and drop her off with his mom. If I need a break I should ask my mom or someone else to watch her right? Only I don't. I tried the driving an hour thing but frankly my car isn't in good enough shape, traffic is horrific, and gas is worse. My parents are not traditional grandparents- they still have kids in the house. And I don't know a lot of people to keep my kids. My Godmom has kept them a lot over the years and I don't want to keep asking her. But I need something I can depend on. Like a regular babysitter. Then there's costs. I can't afford that. So that brings me right back to- why isn't he doing it again???
There's 730 hours in a month. You can't dedicate 96 of them to your kid? You know, two untouchable days every two weeks where it's like, "nah...I can't do that because...this is my weekend with my kids." This is where I get myself in trouble because I have an idea of what it should be in MY head. And plus it's hard not to have an expectation when I've seen it done. I've dated men that were that devoted to the schedules of their children. So it's hard to accept that I can't receive that type of consistency.
I feel like if you're going to be inconsistent in every other area of your life. DO that. But those 48 hours every two weeks? Don't touch those.
So what do you do? I don't know. I really don't. I tried an ultimatum: "This is the time frame you can get her... if you don't- you miss your weekend." Then it's like I'm punishing myself because if he doesn't get her- now I don't get a break. So what DO you do? I don't know...
I remember someone telling me when I was pregnant with my youngest that they "hated that I was making my life harder." And I remember the father of my child telling me, "you're probably going to have to do it by yourself." I was so angry at those comments. But my pride set out to prove them wrong. I didn't want to admit it was hard. And I didn't want to complain about doing it alone. But truth is, some days it is REALLY REALLY hard. And I am ultimately alone. I mean, yes I have God. But I am doing it alone. And some days I'm proud of that. And some days it makes me sad. Today is one of those days. Because I'm tired, but I don't get to be tired. Because no MATTER how I feel- I still have to do my job as a mom.
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